Confessions of a random pervert

On the weekend, I was attending the 3rd Porn Film Festival. One of the more impressive works presented there was the documentary "Jugend und Pornographie" (youth and pornography).

I think it is a valid subject. For my generation and later generations it is normal to grow up with pornography. I was online in BBS networks starting from the age of 10, and I was on the Internet when I was 15 (which, 15 years ago was really special, at least here in Germany). And of course, especially at that time, nobody really gave much thought about how to protect youngsters from the various X-rated material that was available online.

Since data transmission rates were still pretty low, most of the porn that I had at my hands was actual erotic stories. The kind of stuff that you can today still find on ASSTR. There were plenty of message boards in all networks (FIDO, Z-Netz, T-Netz, later Usenet) in both English and German, where people were hanging out and sharing the erotic stories that they've written themselves. Over the years, I collected more and more.

The only graphics you could find at those 2400bps times was 320x240, so not particularly detailed ;) But there already was a difference between scans of porn magazines, actual digital porn productions of commercial porn BBS's and the amateur porn community.

So starting at the age of 11 or 12, I was more or less regularly reading and watching pornographic material. It's obviously hard to judge what kind of influence this had on the development of my personality and sexuality. Obviously it has lead me to at least respect (or even appreciate) the many different forms of sexuality. Everyone has their own likes and dislikes, preferences, etc. I never had the feeling that it was wrong to use porn to get turned on, to derive sexual pleasure from it. Why would I? I was brought up in no religious tradition, and my parents are not particularly conservative, either.

Still, of course, I had to keep it all secret. My parents did definitely not like the idea (as I experienced later when they came to know that I had access to 'physical' porn). They never had (and still have not) any idea at which age I started watching porn, and to what extent I was collecting piles of it. That was one of the advantages if you were a computer nerd and your parents almost computer illiterate. Whatever you had on your computer without any hard evidence on paper or other physical media was absolutely secret. It is a personal computer, after all.

In any case, I think a documentary like the one shown at the festival is a first and humble attempt to start to get a discussion going. Today, every kid is on the Internet. Everyone can click "yes I am 18" and get access to porn. Only the most computer-illiterate kids will be deterred by 'parental filtering' software. They only catch what they know, and they only know the web, which contrary to many peoples' belief is only one particular part of the Internet.

So the fact is that today, more than ever before, youngsters are watching porn. No matter how much it is against the law, and no matter how much their parents try to prevent it. So we have a legal system, combined with ethical norms that are extremely out-of-sync with how reality actually looks like.

This has been going on for something like 10 to 15 now, and still there is no major public debate about this fact. Most parents either don't know or don't care. Or if they care, they are unable to do something about it. Or they feel embarrassed and rather look away because they don't know how what to do. The Kids will do what they want, but obviously not all of them are able to cope with what they see.

I see some analogies to other debates. Like the debate about first-person shooters (action games), where despite some claims not everyone who plays them will turn into an aggressive personality. Just like not everyone who smokes a joint here and there will become a major drug addict later in his life.

However, I do acknowledge the fact that there are some fragile kids that might not do well and that have not yet developed a strategy how to deal with this. Who do not know or learn that relationships can be based on love and emotion, rather than purely on sex. But then, do we try to (and fail anyway) protect them from porn, at the expense of delaying or holding back the sexual development of everyone else?

In any case, the current system of trying to protect teenagers by futile attempts to keep porn away from them is not working. It's not working for at least a decade, and nobody is proposing any real solution or even attempting a public debate about it.

Maybe it's a reflection on how little many people care about sexuality in general. If they deny themselves from exploring their sexuality freely (by religion, society, ethics, ...) why should a younger generation not be denied, too. *sigh*

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One thing that I never really mentioned so far on this blog are my thoughts on blow jobs. That might relate to the fact that they're something so completely normal to me, that I sometimes forget that for some people it is quite a big deal ;)

In any case. As I happen to be a dominant and slightly sadistic male, I obviously like the concept of sexual activity in which the female partner can show her devotion and submission, and where the male (that would be me) derives more pleasure than she does.

I like the concept of declaring the frequent performance of blow jobs as her "duty". A good girl has to make her master happy. The most important part of her master (for her) is his cock. Thus, she has to do whatever it takes to make him happy, to provide his cock with the maximum possible pleasure.

And what would be better than the devoted and extensive licking and sucking of his cock? Up to the point of gagging (and beyond, see my blog post about deep throating and deep throat training). It's such a great practical demonstration about how important it is for her to please him.

And then, obviously, this raises the question of what to do with the cum. To me, it is obvious: Good girls (aka good sluts) have to swallow. Yes, I think safe sex is important. But I am considering a situation where two responsible non-promiscuous adult people interact with each other after having done thorough STD checking. I like to consider the swallowing as integral part of her "blow job duty" (see above).

This also has the practical advantage that there is no spill. It's very clean, can be performed everywhere, no need for any napkins, no spills on either her or my outfit. Very convenient :)

For that latter reason, I also like her to 'clean off' the cock after vaginal sex. Isn't that much more sexy than using some kind of cloth or napkin?

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As D/s is something that happens a lot in the mind, rather than the body, language and more specifically the use of language plays an important role in it. Our thoughts are always connected to language, after all.

One of the reasons why I actually like to call myself a pervert is the actual perverted (in the meaning of twisted, distorted, skewed) terminology.

So if society has a certain norm on what constitutes a good girl, then I have a definition of it that is very twisted, and probably closer to the opposite of the mainstream definition. Typically, society would consider the following attributes in line with their definition of a good girl: decent, chaste, monogamous, heterosexual.

My definition of a good girl is in line with my perverted values and norms, like sexually open-minded in any possible way, bisexual, a desire to show herself off, strong sex drive, vain.

So just like in this case, many terms have a totally different definition to me than to other people. Somebody who becomes part of my world will inevitably also learn about this perverted terminology. Thus, a woman entering my world can still strive to be a good girl, just with a very different definition of what constitutes 'good'.

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There is one aspect that by now I have realized as particularly important for a D/s relationship: The recognition feedback loop - at least that's how I like to call it.

What I mean by that is a (strong) need for the submissive part to gain recognition by the dominant part. The [knowing] dominant part ensures that such need is satisfied by

• making sure the submissive knows what kind of behavior is valued by the dominant, and
• actually granting that recognition if the submissive part actually behaves accordingly

I believe especially the latter part is important. The submissive part might feel insecure about what she (forgive my ignorance, I am always thinking in maledom/femsub terms) does, and whether it is really the right thing to do. So if she doesn't get encouragement by recognition, she might try something else or simply give up at some point.

The 'feedback loop' (technically speaking probably rather a feed-forward loop) probably gets into place if the desire for recognition becomes a need for recognition, and is strong enough for the submissive to go very far in order to obtain that very recognition.

So initially, maybe much simpler things (actions/behavior, whatever is desirable) result in the desired amount/level of recognition, but over time those things become much more normal for both sides, and thus sub needs to do more or other desirable things in order to gain the same amount of recognition than before.

There is a lot of difference in how much recognition a person needs. Some people base a lot of their self-esteem on the amount of recognition they get from other people (maybe even only close people). Obviously for this kind of person, the mechanics as outlined above should work even better.

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Yesterday, by reference of a friend, I first encountered the FetLife BDSM/Fetish online community.

I'm really happy to see something like that. A community full of real people. No commercial interest whatsoever. Done by the kinky community for the kinky community. Definitely very refreshing, compared to all the commercial crap like alt.com and it's various incarnations and imitators.

This community site feels like it could become something like a new online home for me. I'm extremely excited about making many new interesting contacts.

Let's just hope the people behind that site will not be tempted to do a commercial sell-out. Sure, asking users to contribute back for operations and development of the site is fine. But please stay true to the "by the community, for the community" spirit.

I'm mentioning this here in a new "community" category of my blog, where I will probably deviate a bit from the self-centric view of the other sections, and introduce you to interesting places that I find on the net. Chances are high that if you like this blog, you will also like some of the places that I'll link to...

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About two years ago I first wrote about high heels in this blog. As always, my taste and fetishes have developed further since, mostly due to more exposure to different types of high heels (and their advantages and disadvantages).

So unlike that original posting, I have started to appreciate stiletto heels, particularly plateau stiletto - combining the best of both worlds: The sturdiness and slutty look of plateau shoes, plus the added difficulty and sophistication of a stiletto heel.

I've also started to like open toe designs, at least if the shape of the foot is suitable for this type of design, and if the foot is not naked but clad in real nylons, or stay-ups or pantyhose of some sort. Visibility of naked feet is to be avoided at any given time, since it represents something bare and unsophisticated....

What I still don't like at all are shoes with a too pointy tip (toe section). The rounder the shape, the more attractive the shoe gets. I wonder if that will change during the next two years ;)

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As with many different things related to my sexuality and the fetish aspects of it, initially I was really against piercings of any kind. It took a couple of years of exposure to the concept of a piercing until I finally found a way how to sexualize it, and find it attractive.

The most consistent (with other parts of this blog and thus my sexuality) reason to like piercings is that it embraces the concept of "suffering for beauty".

Even more so, if a woman gets a piercing because of me, because I want her to have it, then this concept arouses me. She is willing to suffer, even hurt her body to be more like I want her to be. This in turn makes me feel great - because she actually is willing to do this for me, as sign of her devotion, submission and/or love. And in the process of doing so, she will actually start to like the piercing, because I appreciate it so much and love her for what she is doing for me.

The most interesting piercing to me is the tongue piercing. This has multiple aspects. Primarily, it just simply feels so good during tongue kissing or when she performs a blow job. And then secondarily, the pure sight of the piercing in the tongue is an association with her being slutty, modifying her body to please her partner[s] better. Last, but not least, it provides ample opportunity for her to play with it inside her mouth, receiving oral stimulus in return.

Nipple piercings definitely are very erotic, too. They are very decorative, and they also show that the breast is transformed from an organ meant to nurture babies into something else: A body part with primarily decorative and erotic function. So it sort-of symbolizes the very much appreciated transformation from the fertile woman meant to bear children to the female sex toy that I really want. In my world, the only purpose of sexuality is to provide pleasure. Procreation is a problem that needs to be circumvented.

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Until recent years, I've always been a strong opponent of plastic surgery, particularly breast enhancement. People should just appreciate the nature of their body, and use conventional methods such as sports to keep them in shape. That kind of position/attitude is probably owed to my left-wing political background.

However, things have started to change. Like in many other cases, there is sort-of an ambivalence inside myself. The one side wants to see the person in question as a human being, from a humanist / human rights / all-people-are-equal point of view. This side wants to warn about risks of cosmetic surgery, about potential complications, the follow-up procedures for replacement implants every couple of years, etc.

On the other hand there is my pervert side. This side thinks: Well, how much more extreme can you go with the concept of "suffering for beauty"? There you have a woman who is willing to have quite extensive surgery, probably every couple of years just in order to look better. Actually even more specifically: To look more sexy. To look more attractive for you.

Looking at it from this side is actually a quite big turn-on. I would still never require anyone to do something like this for me. I'm too responsible for doing things like this. It's a decision with a lot of consequences... but if a woman was willing to do it in order to look more sexy [at least partially] for me, then I could call myself a lucky bastard!

It is also one step further in the direction of fetishizing the actual body. Not only wearing fetish gear like high heels, corsets, latex clothes, etc. to change the body appearance from the outside, but actually changing the very shape of the body itself from the inside.

Also, I perversely like the psychological point of the woman in question objectifying her own body, perceiving it as a surface that she can shape by whatever means available. To learn and experience that her body can become supernatural, more than 'just' nature, ...

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I've never considered myself as somebody having much of an "Asian fetish". Yes, sure, there are many beautiful (and to me sexually attractive) asian women - but that's more or less the same for all ethnicities.

There is one thing about women in South-Eastern Asian mega-cities such as Tokyo, Taipei, Shanghai or Hong Kong: They genearlly do care a lot about style and fashion - much more than many of their western counterparts. Now one may argue what that tells us about social pressure in the respective countries. But given my pre-disposition, I cannot help myself but enjoy the benfit of it. I happen to enjoy women who are more or less obsessed with their outfit :)

Also, in many of those places temperatures tend to be quite high during large parts of the year, facilitating the use of more revealing attire than used in other, colder parts of the world.

Then there is the issue of the truly asian influences in fashion, primarily the much more extensive use of all kinds of stockings like overknees. Being a fetishist means that I will obviously enjoy that :)

Anyway, about a week ago it happened: My 'first time with an asian women'. I wouldn't have assumed that it's that much a big deal to blog about... but it is :) It's probably not as much the fact that she's of asian ethnicity, but much more the fact that she's of a very petite and slim body type. And that simply feels great.

So it's much easier to grab her, to excert some kind of physical control or restriction. For a dominant male, that's a _really_ nice feeling...

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