One thing that I never really mentioned so far on this blog are my thoughts on blow jobs. That might relate to the fact that they're something so completely normal to me, that I sometimes forget that for some people it is quite a big deal ;)

In any case. As I happen to be a dominant and slightly sadistic male, I obviously like the concept of sexual activity in which the female partner can show her devotion and submission, and where the male (that would be me) derives more pleasure than she does.

I like the concept of declaring the frequent performance of blow jobs as her "duty". A good girl has to make her master happy. The most important part of her master (for her) is his cock. Thus, she has to do whatever it takes to make him happy, to provide his cock with the maximum possible pleasure.

And what would be better than the devoted and extensive licking and sucking of his cock? Up to the point of gagging (and beyond, see my blog post about deep throating and deep throat training). It's such a great practical demonstration about how important it is for her to please him.

And then, obviously, this raises the question of what to do with the cum. To me, it is obvious: Good girls (aka good sluts) have to swallow. Yes, I think safe sex is important. But I am considering a situation where two responsible non-promiscuous adult people interact with each other after having done thorough STD checking. I like to consider the swallowing as integral part of her "blow job duty" (see above).

This also has the practical advantage that there is no spill. It's very clean, can be performed everywhere, no need for any napkins, no spills on either her or my outfit. Very convenient :)

For that latter reason, I also like her to 'clean off' the cock after vaginal sex. Isn't that much more sexy than using some kind of cloth or napkin?

As D/s is something that happens a lot in the mind, rather than the body, language and more specifically the use of language plays an important role in it. Our thoughts are always connected to language, after all.

One of the reasons why I actually like to call myself a pervert is the actual perverted (in the meaning of twisted, distorted, skewed) terminology.

So if society has a certain norm on what constitutes a good girl, then I have a definition of it that is very twisted, and probably closer to the opposite of the mainstream definition. Typically, society would consider the following attributes in line with their definition of a good girl: decent, chaste, monogamous, heterosexual.

My definition of a good girl is in line with my perverted values and norms, like sexually open-minded in any possible way, bisexual, a desire to show herself off, strong sex drive, vain.

So just like in this case, many terms have a totally different definition to me than to other people. Somebody who becomes part of my world will inevitably also learn about this perverted terminology. Thus, a woman entering my world can still strive to be a good girl, just with a very different definition of what constitutes 'good'.

There is one aspect that by now I have realized as particularly important for a D/s relationship: The recognition feedback loop - at least that's how I like to call it.

What I mean by that is a (strong) need for the submissive part to gain recognition by the dominant part. The [knowing] dominant part ensures that such need is satisfied by

• making sure the submissive knows what kind of behavior is valued by the dominant, and
• actually granting that recognition if the submissive part actually behaves accordingly

I believe especially the latter part is important. The submissive part might feel insecure about what she (forgive my ignorance, I am always thinking in maledom/femsub terms) does, and whether it is really the right thing to do. So if she doesn't get encouragement by recognition, she might try something else or simply give up at some point.

The 'feedback loop' (technically speaking probably rather a feed-forward loop) probably gets into place if the desire for recognition becomes a need for recognition, and is strong enough for the submissive to go very far in order to obtain that very recognition.

So initially, maybe much simpler things (actions/behavior, whatever is desirable) result in the desired amount/level of recognition, but over time those things become much more normal for both sides, and thus sub needs to do more or other desirable things in order to gain the same amount of recognition than before.

There is a lot of difference in how much recognition a person needs. Some people base a lot of their self-esteem on the amount of recognition they get from other people (maybe even only close people). Obviously for this kind of person, the mechanics as outlined above should work even better.

Yesterday, by reference of a friend, I first encountered the FetLife BDSM/Fetish online community.

I'm really happy to see something like that. A community full of real people. No commercial interest whatsoever. Done by the kinky community for the kinky community. Definitely very refreshing, compared to all the commercial crap like alt.com and it's various incarnations and imitators.

This community site feels like it could become something like a new online home for me. I'm extremely excited about making many new interesting contacts.

Let's just hope the people behind that site will not be tempted to do a commercial sell-out. Sure, asking users to contribute back for operations and development of the site is fine. But please stay true to the "by the community, for the community" spirit.

I'm mentioning this here in a new "community" category of my blog, where I will probably deviate a bit from the self-centric view of the other sections, and introduce you to interesting places that I find on the net. Chances are high that if you like this blog, you will also like some of the places that I'll link to...